here you go, try this when you've nothing else to do...

when we got bored in college lessons, we used to pass around a notepad and take turns in writing a random word on it. some of the stories (though they're more like headlines or comments) we got out of it were, well, odd to say the least. here's a selection...

1. smouldering goldfish credit cards obliterate suns, mirrors and freelance prostitutes.

2. space-hoppers ejaculate chocolate body-paint over poxy metros which spontaneously errupt acrid suede jackets worn by a sprout.

3. help root vegetables in need of alcohol. just pickle carrots every first monday of the month to give them the chance to become pheasant pluckers. a beetroot is not just for christmas, it may last until easter if nibbled.

4. we love sheep at abertawe, wearing angorra underpants, (scatchy) combusting explosively into rusting poxy metros, before returning broken camper vans to burning berlin. aardvarks digest sweaty anacondas drooped in acidic politicians washing chimney-sweeps.

5. albatros' wings taste wonderfully like chicken-in-a-basket flavoured metros (poxy british leyland ones) with cod liver oil. le fromage est brule avec les cartes-credites, les filles uniques avec notre metro-brule sur le pain. je pense que le peine de mort et la plage devraient laissez-faire dans les toilettes-publiques, les pays tieres mondes et dans la cuisine. (cheese is burnt with credit-cards, only daughters, with our burnt metro on bread. i think the death penalty and the beach should stay the same in public toilets, third world countries and in the kitchen.)

6. unkempt politicians attempt mass murder with rubber chickens and fake vomit in order to batter hereditary peers, cod and roe. tony blair, teddy bear, pubic hair, wooden chair, golden hair, rocky lair all have one thing in common: the possiblity that, one day, with your help, they all might be able to become virtuous upstanding toadstools.

7. salt me now or riverdance gaily to yawning gallows with saltmines in springtime. let geese drink hooch whilst ducks float unaware above them.

8. eric idle, marooned on a desert island, with only a butcher's eyebrow for company, found the joys of cross-stitch overwhelming, and was able to knit a fellow eyebrow to keep the lonesome facial hair company - much to the delight of douglas hurd. ubt one day, the eyebrows staged a communist-style uprising in an attempt to overthrow the dictatorial regime of the knights who say "ni!"

9. broad beans have the right to cross-dress without being tormented by brocolli. but custard may not, under any circumstances, mimic the empire state building. alcoholic bulldozers crush poxy metros in anarchic rampage. gear oil congeals to form jellied eels dipped in piping hot creme-de-menthe. junior twister champions contort themselves into the back of a mini in an attempt to recreate "the italian job." meanwhile, morris minors whizz past in a shower of engine oil and rust, whilst endeavouring to rescue distressed trout in the shape of timmy mallet.

10. fruit pretends to be dick van dyke in "mary poppins," whilst unicycling on an elephant. toadstools watch leather-clad poxy metros, whilst watermelons squeeze the last breath out of a marmite sandwich in a rather vicious fashion. hairy unicycles lament the death of fairy liquid, thanks to the ferocious watermelons. junior schools dance the lambada on the great wall of china. wot a corker.

11. cabbages do have high cheekbones and big bums, but that's no reason to persecute them so cruelly. they are intellectually unchallenged in today's society, but they also have great taste in wellingtons. old scarecrows form the basis of peking pie when mixed with poxy metros and other flammable materials.

12. doctors are considered inflatable because freelance transvestites pump them with argon and hydrogen sulphide, causing them to behave in a rather irratic dance mode.

13. san fransisco could not, under any circumstances infiltrate the head offices of the loca swimming baths, as it would provoke a mob of spiders on horseback singing cliff richard's greatest hits. african hot dogs adore bunjee jumping off the white cliffs, but only when torrential cabbages cascade whilst synchro swimming, prodding christmas puddings with wooden noses and pancake tossing. bees steal washing lines and totem poles and donkeys and spatulas and old dirty poodles and weathermen and hot cross buns and philanthropic watercress because they have had horrific haircuts. the boomtown rats couldn't sing as well as windsor davies' pet cow.

so there you go, just look at the immense fun you could be having!

cheers to anyone who contributed, told you i'd get 'em published!

you know you wanna go back to the stories!