24th october 2003 - elliott smith will be sadly missed. r.i.p.
6th july 2002 - world exclusive! man defies english weather by dressing sensibly shocker!
wild man of rock, liam gallagher, stunned the world with a deed which will undoubtedly bring repurcussions throughout the coming centuries - he wore a parka in the rain!
such an action, caught on camera at oasis' recent triumphant gigs at finsbury park, represents a turning-point in the behaviour of lead singers. tim burgess, for example, is known for insisting on wearing anoraks in arid locations, and even liam himself is widely respected for wearing sunglasses indoors!
so, what do psychologists make of it all? professor e. nane had this to say; "it truly baffles me. for decades we've seen lead singers behaving perfectly normally, by wearing completely ill-fitting clothes to the conditions around them."
the forty-thousand strong crowd, which, for some unknown reason, was struck down with flu the follwing day, were left wondering what sort of insane person would conceive of wearing a rainproof coat in the rain.
the gig was reportedly "fookin' top!"
5th july 2002 - rock star in "i don't do drugs" shocker!
wayne coyne, lead singer of eminent band the flaming lips has sensastionally confessed "i don't do drugs," sending shockwaves throughout the music industry.
record company fat cats across the world have swiftly and unanimously condemned this admission as "boastful and irresponsibe," with all agreeing that he should retire from the public eye. indeed, many believe that if he remains a prominent icon in the music world he shall be lynched by hot-headed parents of his fans.
one disgruntled mother who spoke to us today exclaimed; "mr coyne must know that in such an influential position, he should not get away with such despicable habits. he has tarnished his own reputation and that of his fans. my 30 year old son, donald, is a very impressionable boy, and i fear that his behaviour might be tainted by revelations that should be unheard of in the rock world."
meanwhile, wayne's mother was quick to stand by her wayward son, stating that "wayne's a good lad and his private life is just that! of course, my boy, like everyone, can say some silly things, which unfortunately can get taken out of context by scandal-hungry journalists, who cannot recognise all of the good work my son has done."
1st july 2002 - heathen chemistry received with fervour of indifference
at midnight last night, reports confirmed that, as expected, the country came to a standstill as thousands of eager oasis fans did not camp outside music shops piously waiting to get their hands on the band's 5th studio album, heathen chemistry.
instead, throughout the country, zealous fans received their "i was not there then and i don't give a shit" certificate as a keepsake for this momentous occasion.
one devout oasis fan we chatted to revealed; "be here now wasn't their best album, but the nme told me to get it, and i was one of the first to buy it. i still have my certificate. i'm not buying heathen chemistry because the nme says that the white stripes are more talented. besides, i got heathen chemistry on mp3 about 3 years before it was written. it's fabulous!"
june 2002 - john entwistle, r.i.p.
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